IRISH JOKES

What's the difference between a Kerry wedding and a Kerry wake?
There's one drunk less at the wake.

"How old was the deceased?" asked an observer at a funeral.
"Oh, very old," replied one of the mourners. "He was eighty-five."
"That's not so old," returned the other.
"Why, if my own father was alive today, he'd be a hundred and twelve."

A young man just announced to his uncle that he planned to study for the priesthood. The uncle was overjoyed.
"I couldn't be more pleased," he said. "I hope to live to hear you preach at my funeral."

"When I first saw you, I thought it was you, but now I see it is your brother."

The auctioneer declared: "Every item on sale here will be sold to the highest bidder, unless someone else offers more."

"Madam," said the serving girl,
"there's a poor man at the door with a wooden leg."
"Well, tell him I don't need any wooden legs today."

What is an alibi?
An alibi is the ability to be in two places at once.

When Mr McTurk's wife died suddenly, the Gardai (police) came along, to ask him a few questions.
"What were her last words to you?" asked an officer.
"Phew, that's a hard question to answer, " he replied.
"Why so?"
"She spoke without interruption for forty-four years."